Liminal Spaces

Father, forgive my hesitant heart. Although I speak of your faithfulness and remember your love, I still falter when casting my net into the water.  

Forgive this doubt that lives in the shadows of my disappointments and sorrows.  It doesn’t overtly speak but stirs up “rational” analysis and mitigation in the face of your call. Forward movement seems monumental now that this liminal space has become familiar and comfortable. 

I’m not where I was, 

               I’m not where I’m going. 

But, I’m dangerously close to making my bed and planting flowers in this place that’s both lifeless and full of numbing activity. 

Still, you’ve always been so near, Father.  Your presence has held me, assured me, sang over me. You didn’t chastise me when I was pushed out the back door of my life, kicking and screaming and into this atmosphere of gray. You sat with me and patiently fed me when I was able to take you in…when I was willing to let you in. And you quietly waited when I wouldn’t. When I pushed you away. When my heart secretly asked “why”. 

You placed me in the flow of your mighty river and washed over me when I was dry and needed a reminder of your beauty, your worship and your people. You gave me breath when I forgot to breath.  And you’ve consistently and quietly spoken words of hope into my heart. Hope that life is not over for this soul that feels incomplete and conspicuous with half of itself torn away. 

And yet you still ask me to cast my net into the water. 

Really?

The last time I did that I had big plans. Godly plans. Spirit-led plans. But the net came back to the boat as empty as I was. 

What am I even casting for? To be honest… I don’t even know where I put that net.  Maybe it’s what I’ve been resting my head on all these months. That thing that you and I wove together over past decades.  That thing that he helped weave.  Your servant who served you by loving me. That faith that grew stronger through years of failure, success, sorrow, joy, confidence, humility, miracles, questions, worship, prayer, deserts, mountaintops, anger, love, doubt, truth…life…

Oh God! The importance of seeking you continually has never been so clear to me as I look at this net of faith that’s held me so close to you. Held me tangled in the greatness of who you are despite the pain of this life. 

So, you say to cast it out. To take a chance. To see what you might provide. Oh, how I want to be the person that stands with a flourish and throws that net far and wide with certainty that it won’t come back empty.

I confess that I’m not. 

So, again I ask, Father, forgive my hesitant and doubtful heart. I stand at a threshold that leads to a new thing. Your new thing. If I refuse to move, it won’t bring back the life I’ve lost and if I step through, it won’t erase it from my heart and mind. Whatever you have planned beyond this gray and stagnant land will emerge from where we’ve been and what you’ve carried me through. Throwing my net of faith into an unknown future, with hope, is all I have to offer you. And it terrifies me.  But, into your hands I cast my net, trusting that your nearness is enough to take the step and face the unknown. 

The Valley of Tears

Valley of Baca

For as long as I can remember, it’s been important for me to recognize and value the struggles of life.  To recognize that faith doesn’t mean ignoring pain or speaking empty platitudes that make it seem like the “faithful” aren’t affected by struggle, sin or sorrow. To give voice to things that make people feel alone or different in a way that includes and validates, but in a way that also reminds our hearts that God is always present, working and loving. Even in our pain.

I’m aware that I can be more emotional than some. I can even border on the melodramatic at times.  The tears of another can send me crashing into deep sadness as easily as the beauty and fragility of a bird flitting and flying around my front flower bed can fill my heart with awe. But, more often than not, I live in a place of low-grade worry and pain.  To be fair, our world is a mess, people are hurting, and life is hard. The least I can do is be honest about it and “see” those who feel unseen.

But, today I am keenly aware that God has been massaging a few words deep into my soul over the last few weeks. Words that, to be honest, I struggle with. But, words that I know hold the keys to overcoming the struggles of life and that offer us access to a deep well of hope and joy.

Gratitude.

Trust.

Surrender. 

You wouldn’t think they would be so hard to say (or type) but it’s almost as if recognizing their importance sets me up to fail in my obedience.  To ignore or turn a blind eye to them often seems easier, and much more palatable, to my sinful and selfish heart – but God has kindly shown me that it also causes my suffering to last longer, go deeper and lose the meaning it could hold. It’s my choice. It’s always my choice.

He is kind to give me choices. 

He is good to forgive my choices.

He is patient to reveal different choices.

Choosing differently can feel as if I’m being unfaithful to something valuable.  Something that deserves my tortured and sorrowful response. Something that needs to be held up in reverence and with anguish of soul to prove that it held a deep importance in this world.

But God seems to whisper to my heart that finding something to be grateful for in the middle of suffering doesn’t negate that I am suffering.  To trust that He is still in ultimate control when everything seems out of control doesn’t mean I can’t pound on His chest in prayer and weeping with a deep cry of “why?”. To surrender to the path He is leading me down doesn’t mean it’s easy, that I would have chosen it, or that I must paint on a smile when it’s difficult. It simply means that, ultimately, He is my source of life. Not myself. Not my freedom. Not my comfort. Not my family or my health or my prestige or my love or even my very breath. He is life itself and that life, that love, does not end with the ending of anything else.

What it does mean is that I remind my heart, “You are deeply loved”.  That suffering well unites me deeper to the heart of my suffering Savior. That God’s redemptive plan is not just for me as an individual but that it is for all of mankind and creation. I have no idea how my story finds a place in the bigger, grander and more beautiful tapestry that He is weaving in the world, but, I believe that it does, and it will. 

I can choose resentment, bitterness, anger, unforgiveness, hopelessness or unbelief and find that the darkness becomes deeper as each day dawns.  Or I can choose trust, surrender, gratitude, love, forgiveness hope, and faith and find that the heaviness of suffering lightens as I refocus my heart onto the one that carries it better than I.

It’s a tenuous endeavor for sure.  I choose well one day.  I choose not so well the next.  I find glimpses of peace and relief one day. I sink under the weight of grief the next. I see light one day. I grope in darkness the next. 

And all the while…my God is here.  He is steady and true.  He knows I am but dust, yet He calls me up and out to choose the heavenly as the eternal soul that I am.  And when I don’t…He keeps me from falling too far. 

The truth that He is so kindly massaging into my soul is this.  Circumstances don’t dictate whether my soul is well.  Living out the dream that I had for my life doesn’t bring security and peace. Avoiding pain and heartache isn’t what creates a life of rest and joy and purpose. All is well, security and peace are found, pain and heartache are born up ONLY when Jesus is near. Not when I give intellectual service to his presence but when I am united with His heart.  When my heart sits in silence long enough to hear his words deep within my soul and my heart believes it. When my perspective changes from the things I want in this world to the things I want of Him.  And when I can choose, to the best of my ability, to say to Him, “Where you lead, I will follow, with all the trust and love I can muster. Knowing that when I fail…. You never will.”

Psalms 84: 5-7

How enriched are they who find their strength in the Lord; 

within their hearts are the highways of holiness! 

Even when their paths wind through the dark valley of tears,

they dig deep to find a pleasant pool where others find only pain.

He gives to them a brook of blessing

filled from the rain of an outpouring.

They grow stronger and stronger with every step forward,

and the God of all gods will appear before them in Zion. (TPT)

Scripture quotations marked TPT are from The Passion Translation®. Copyright © 2017, 2018, 2020 by Passion & Fire Ministries, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved. ThePassionTranslation.com.

Keeper of the Sparrows

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My desk sits in front of our homes’ largest window. My front porch swing, two towering live oaks, my front flower bed and the livestock roaming in my neighbor’s pasture seem to be extra comforting as sunshine melts the evidence of this week’s snowstorm. Five days ago I sat here under layers of blankets watching hundreds of birds dart around my feeders devouring bird seed as quickly as I could put it out. Shockingly, they would bravely remain on one feeder as I filled up another without so much as a glance in my direction. One even landed on my hand! Hunger overrides fear,I guess, and they were certainly hungry, puffed up and frantic to survive. (Much like the rest of our ill-equipped state.) 

Today, as I look out over my feeders, I only see a handful of sparrows and a red bird or two. Quite a few Robins are eyeing the mushy ground for bugs, and crows are cawing from the neighbors’ oak tree but my smorgasbord is fairly empty once again. The weather sure makes a difference in the desperation of my feathered friends and in their willingness to allow me to get close.

It’s not difficult to draw similarities between the nature of birds and my own nature. The “weather” in my life has clearly determined the levels of desperation in my heart and the willingness to which I draw near to God. When life falls apart and we’re at the end of our abilities, it seems that we, as humans, instinctively run to God. We pursue His presence, we devour His word, and we cling to any sense of hope that prayer can provide. But, when the sun comes out and the fear dies down, it seems just as instinctual to depend on our own abilities and to forget who provided all we needed during the storm.  

Oh, but God is patient and gracious! He knows our pride and self-reliance but he continues to convict, to pursue, and to love us. When I’m face to face with the results of living life in my own strength, I’m reminded of how faithful he is. Each time I’ve found myself in a storm and in desperate need of his presence and provision, He’s been there. Each time, I find more “belonging.” I’m not sure how else to describe it except that my soul knows this place of dependency is where I’m meant to be. Where I’m meant to live. Each time I watch God faithfully care for me through a trial, my heart finds it easier to stay in that place a little while longer. To live from that place of dependency and trust instead of from a place of forgetfulness and self-reliance. The more I taste of God’s goodness…the hungrier I become. 

And hunger seems to not only override fear but pride and self reliance as well. 

I haven’t found a way to expedite the learning to live from this place of dependency. This place of abiding. It seems to come in its’ own time through experience…and failure. The ability to rest in who God is and what he does is inexplicably tied to the knowledge of who I am and what I can do. Or cannot do. The sin, deceptiveness and naiveté of my own heart and the weakness, frailty and decaying nature of my own body lead to the understanding that my hope truly does rest in God, the Keeper of the sparrows. 

This revelation is worth praying for, but it isn’t easy and it isn’t always pretty. It is, however, a gift. A gift of humility that leads to a pursuit of righteousness that leads to peace. To belonging.  To satisfaction.  Resting in God’s hand as he provides exactly what I need frees my soul to hope, breath, and love in the face of whatever comes. At least that’s the glimpse I’ve had of where I’m meant to belong. I hope I can learn to hang out there a little longer today than I did yesterday. And even longer tomorrow.  

^“Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?“And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?“So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.       Matthew 6:26-33

Wrinkles in This Time

I try not to dwell on the fact that I’m getting older.  It’s hard to ignore when I can’t hold my tea without wincing at the stab of arthritis pain in my thumb or when my joints are stiff as I get out of bed in the morning. It’s hard to ignore when I scroll through my high school’s “50^th Anniversary” page and realize how many of my classmates are no longer here.  But, it’s really hard to ignore when I look in the mirror and see wrinkles everywhere.  The truth is that those wrinkles are a sign of how blessed I am.  Of course, I have the worry lines between my eyes and the lines around my lips from pursing them in thoughtfulness or frustration. I’m trying to worry less but that’s just one of my ongoing struggles.  BUT, the majority of my wrinkles reveal decades of laughter, amazement and smiles.  My face is becoming an ever more topographical map of a life lived and, I hope, lived well.   

I realize I could wipe that map clean with a couple thousand dollars’ worth of Botox and I’m not against that at all, but I don’t think I’d ever want to completely lose these lines of mine.  The happy lines remind me of how blessed I am and, the others… well, they remind me that I can still learn more about depending on God and resting in His love.  That sounds very mature of me, doesn’t it?  Trust me, more often than not, I just see those lines and think, “When did this happen and how can I stop it?”  

Getting older isn’t great.  At least, I don’t enjoy most of it.  But there are some benefits to living, making mistakes, seeing how the world works and loving people for half a century.  I hope I’ll become better at gracefully growing old over the next few years.  As of now, I still recognize the depth of my pride and worry over what the next few decades hold but, I also hope that I have at least a few more decades.     

This past year has been a doozy and many of us are scared and confused about what could be next.  That’s understandable and valid but it would be worth remembering what other people have lived through and survived in the past 100 years.  We are able to overcome much more than we imagine and are capable of creating a better world than we have.  It may put a few more lines on our collective faces but which lines those are will be up to us.  Will we trust in God’s faithfulness and continue to find the joy and blessing in life so that those laugh lines become deeper? Or, will we worry and fear over the unknown and watch those lines deepen? It’s a struggle, isn’t it.  But isn’t it worth it to find more of God in the midst of it all and become more like Jesus? 

I mean let’s be real.  Crow’s feet are a blessing in the day of Covid.  How else do you know when someone is smiling at you?  Smile big my friends and lets’ rock those wrinkles. 

A Changed Perspective

The idea of walking through a wilderness has been running around in my mind for about 4 years. Throughout my life, I’ve heard messages, songs and testimonies about people who prayed to be free of “wilderness experiences” and people who taught that we should do all we can to avoid them all together. The terms were varied but synonymous: wilderness, wasteland, desert, valley. The subtle message was that anything hard is evil and God’s blessing produces an easy, prosperous, smooth and comfortable life. It doesn’t take a deep dive into Scripture to know that couldn’t be further from the truth. We read about all sorts of difficulties both imposed on the people of God as well as caused by the people of God. It seems that we will inevitably experience both. However, it wasn’t this idea of expecting and tolerating these seasons that captured my attention, it was the thought that, maybe, these seasons were actually holy and good. If that’s the case,  why is it so hard, as believers, to embrace and accept the wilderness moments of our lives? 

A little word study of “wilderness” uncovers these defining words. Unknown, uncultivated, barren, devastated, wild, uninhabited, desolate, deserted, lonely, and dangerous.  Does that ring true with you as you think about our world? Do you know people that feel this way? Or, could it describe your own heart? It’s been an uncharted, crazy, scary and lonely time for me and I’ll be really honest in saying that I wish I could have walked any other path than this one. The thought of embracing the wilderness has been offensive at times, but I know that God has been speaking to me about it for a while which usually means it’s for a reason. So, the question becomes, what if God is using this barren, devastated, desolate time to speak? What if he’s wanting to reach the hearts of his people?  What if we have the choice of taking this wilderness and turning it into something new and beautiful? Maybe even reviving a desolate and barren world.

I marked Hosea 2:14-15 in my Bible almost 2 years ago. 

“Therefore I am now going to allure her: I will lead her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. There she will respond as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt.”

In the middle of a passage about God’s judgement on Israel for her disobedience, he breaks in with this promise to draw her heart back to him and to bless her. The Valley of Achor can be translated as the Valley of Trouble. In other words,  God may lead  us into the wilderness, or even into trouble, for the purpose of  pursuing our hearts and restoring our relationship with him.

The question is, how will we respond?  It’s possible to be led into the wilderness and to come out on the other side bitter, afraid and empty. It’s also possible to come out of the wilderness full of more love, peace and power than ever before. I desperately wanted to know the secret of responding in a way that produced the latter?   

For the longest time, I couldn’t put my finger on what that was but a message by Kristi McLelland gave shed some light on it for me. As a professor, teacher and student of Jewish and middle eastern culture, her insight forever changed how I viewed the various difficulties of life.  In a nutshell, the answer seems to be found in my perspective and expectations of those seasons.  You see, the Jewish culture views the wilderness as a blessing because the wilderness is where God always gave his word to his people.  It’s where his voice was clearly heard. From Abraham to Jesus, God showed up in the wilderness and taught his people things that they wouldn’t (or couldn’t) have learned anywhere else. The wilderness was a holy place because it’s where they met with God.  The Jewish people did not ask ,“How can I get out of here quickly,” They asked, “How can I carry the wilderness with me so that I don’t forget the word God has spoken to me?”  (“Jesus & Women” Lifeway)

How we will walk out of the wilderness is based on what we focus on during it. The circumstances swirling around us or the quiet work that God is doing in the middle of it?  Are we overwhelmed and consumed or have we locked eyes with Jesus? The answer to that is determined by what we love and trust the most? Other people, our safety, our health, money or our significance? Personally,I often fall into fear or depression when any one of these things seems to be out of control – as if I ever had control to begin with. In fact, some of these things have actually lead me down a straight path into the wilderness but God is good to meet me there even when it’s due to my own failures.

He is wonderful that way.

And it can be a wonderful place to be.

In his hands, the wilderness can set us firmly on the only thing that is certain. Him! That, in and of itself, is a precious reason to walk out these moments faithfully. To have our hearts called back to his and to know without a doubt that he is the only place of peace. So how can we get from the hard place to that place?

For me, the best thing I can do is press in HARD for what God is saying. Sometimes it’s difficult to hear after so many years of listening to other things. I’ve had to cut the noise from my life because it was drowning out his voice. That can be so hard but what if it brings change? What if it brings God closer? What if it settles our heart in peace?

Viewing the wilderness as a place to meet with God means I set my expectations on higher things than just surviving, and I’m willing to do hard things because the hope of what’s on the other side is more beautiful than I can imagine. It means I change my habits and cultivate new ones so I don’t drown in the fear and sorrow of the wilderness. It means I believe that peace comes from focusing on the one who is above the storm so I fight the urge to focus on the storm itself. God’s presence always brings peace even in the worst of situations. Pressing in to know him there will better equip us for the next wilderness we travel through. It’s all a journey, but Jeremiah 17:7-8 shows us a beautiful picture of what that can look like.

“But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green and they never stop producing fruit.” 

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Frightening Beauty

My daughter sat with a look of wonder on her face as she watched the flames turn colors in the small bowl.  A torn-up check turned to ash in less than a minute. That minute was enough to make her say, “Anyone who thinks fire isn’t beautiful is crazy.”

I could easily fall under her definition of what constitutes “crazy”.  I mean, this is the girl who’s also fascinated with medical procedures, blood, scary movies and books that have tragic endings.  I’m not.  Therefore, I might be crazy. But, in this case, I wasn’t.

“Yeah.  Fire is beautiful to watch but, it scares me.”

My words echoed in my heart for a while after I responded, and I realized that I’m afraid of quite a few things that I find incredibly beautiful. The ocean. Thunder storms. Lions. Tigers. Bears. (NOT snakes or rats…oh my!)

It’s the power that scares me.  The fact that such things could destroy me.  Consume me.  Overwhelm me.  Even kill me.

When I control my proximity to them, their wild nature is mesmerizing and even graceful.

I guess the truth of the matter is that their power doesn’t scare me as much as my losing control over that power.

Sounds about right. Control is a thing with me.

True to form, God took the idea past the point of observation and into the depths of my heart.

I love how our conversations often go.  I have a thought. He shines a spotlight on my heart.  Provides sufficient silence. And quietly says, “And…?”

It would be so much easier if God just told me the answers to these kinds of questions instead of asking me to figure it out.  After all, He knows my soul much better than I do.

Maybe that’s the point?

Anyway, back to all the questions that were implied with that “And?”.  Are there other things of beauty and power that I’m afraid of because I don’t want to lose control? Do I hold myself back from good things, so I won’t be consumed or overwhelmed?  Does my need for control prevent me from dying to myself in a good and holy way?

Yes, yes, and yes.

Love, forgiveness, humility.  Worship, obedience, surrender.

Faith, trust.

The Holy Spirit.

When I stop to think about it, everything about God is beautiful, powerful and frightening. He is the source of beauty and power.  He is the fullness of everything we see and cannot see. He’s untamed, uncontrollable, unexplainable, unfathomable and unavoidable. He is huge. My finite mind can’t comprehend the rhyme and reason behind God’s economy.  How does serving make me great?  How am I chosen but I also choose?  How is God sovereign if man has responsibility?  How am I holy yet am commanded to become holy? How does death bring me life? My words can’t explain the joy of the Holy Spirit’s power. My heart can barely beat in the presence of grace and forgiveness. My need for self-protection is lost when confronted with the truth of God’s love for me.  And still, I fight for control instead of handing all I am and all I have over to the fierceness of God.

If only I had the courage to drown in all that He is. Inching in a bit at a time doesn’t work.  The beauty comes in diving in, head first, in spite of all my fear.

“If there’s anyone who can appear before Alsan without their knees knocking, they’re either braver than most or else just silly.  “Then he isn’t safe?” said Lucy.  “Safe?” said Mr. Beaver. “Don’t you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.”                 CS Lewis  

Fixing my faith on Jesus – again

A few days ago, one of my best friends said that I should write about this experience we’re all having with Covid-19. Her encouragement blessed me but my immediate reaction was, “I have nothing to say.”   I either write in my journal to process my emotions and what God is teaching me or I write on my blog with the hope of encouraging people to trust in a very good and faithful God.  During these past few weeks, my journal is depressingly empty and the level of fear and anxiety in my heart is embarrassingly high.  Let’s just say that I’ve been disappointed in myself and the lack of faith I’ve had in my God who has always been more than faithful.

So here I am.  Sitting on my front porch watching the bluebird who returned to her nest last week after a storm blew it down. I carefully put it back in place and was thrilled to watch as she’s been sitting on those gorgeous blue eggs like nothing ever happened. Beautifully fragile vessels that carry the potential of life and flight.  Yes…I’m making a very weak metaphor here but it feels appropriate.

I feel like my faith has come crashing down because of this storm.

The last 3 years has strengthened my faith in a way that’s awed me.  I’ve seen God move and felt His presence in ways that have been life changing.  I’ve grown closer to friends who point me to Jesus regularly. (That’s another post coming soon.) I’ve found that God has changed my perspectives in a way that has broken chains of fear and doubt off of me.  And the Holy Spirit has been challenging and growing my expectations of what God wants to do through me and my family.

How quickly my heart can lose courage.

I know God is still in control but I don’t feel it. And that new found joy of overcoming fear and anxiety that I was experiencing for the first time in my life now seems to have been replaced by a constant sense of doom…dread…hopelessness…or something. Maybe it’s just the consistent whisper of the unknown.  I’ll say this for sure. If we will look, this storm will reveal our weaknesses!  I know it has mine, so my prayer is that I’ll allow God to do what He always does. Bring good and beauty out of what the enemy desires for evil.

The question becomes, what do I do with my faith that is laying on the ground in this ferocious storm?

It seems that God has answered that question in Hebrews 12: 2 (NLT).

“We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy  awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne.”

What is the “this” we are doing?  Running with endurance the race God has set before each of us.  By keeping our eyes on Jesus and Him alone, we can keep moving.  I love the way that The Passion Translation reminds me that Jesus is far above our natural realm.

“We look away from the natural realm and we fasten our gaze onto Jesus who birthed faith within us and who leads us forward into faith’s perfection.“

As I’ve been sitting here watching the birds and filling the wind blow across the porch, it’s as if I’ve finally calmed my soul enough to hear the Holy Spirit speak to my heart. Maybe He’s speaking to yours too.  In this storm of uncertainty, could He be saying to His people, “Give ME your attention.”

All of our attention.

A few weeks ago our attention was given to different things.  Work, school, sports, entertainment, social activities…

This week our attention is given to Facebook, news reports, the number of those infected, mortality rates, economic fallout…

It’s so easy to be distracted.  It’s so incredibly easy to focus on the things of this world.

And so difficult to give God all that we are.

But it is so necessary if we want to live, and grow, and hope, and fly.  If we have any prayer of being steadied in a storm, mobilized to bring peace and joy to those who are struggling or to walk in the kind of love and faith that outshines and overcomes our circumstances we have GOT TO GIVE GOD OUR FULL ATTENTION.

I have to confess that I have struggled with this during the last few weeks.  I don’t want to stick my head in the sand.  I don’t want to be uninformed. I don’t want to be blindsided.  So I’ve tried to keep up to date while limiting how much I’ve listened to and read. But it hasn’t helped.  I think it’s because I’ve allowed that information to paralyze me. I’ve played out worst case scenerios over and over and tried to formulate a plan so I’m prepared.  What a joke.  I’m never really prepared.

But God is.

So why haven’t I been pouring my heart out to God like I know I should?  Why haven’t I been listening to worship music all day like I know I need to. Why haven’t I been speaking truth or sharing Scripture with people to bless and encourage them? Because I’ve been distracted by all the noise around me.

Today I’m asking God to help me stop.

To help me refocus my heart on Him.

To remember all that He has done and to give him all of my heart, soul, mind and strength.

This world could use a group of people that are at peace right now.  It could use a group of people who are focusing on hope and God’s miraculous power.  A group of people praying for others and sharing those things that are good, right, encouraging and lovely.  I need that. I think you need that too. I know God can make us that if we will turn to Him and desperately seek His face.

I want that so badly! But, I have to tell you that I expect to have good days and bad days during this storm and I, we, need to be kind to ourselves in that.  God knows we are but dust.  He understands our fears and failures.  He won’t judge or condemn us but He doesn’t want His children to stay there.  I know my God and He is so much bigger than all of this.  He desires so much more for us than fear and anxiety.  He will gently pick us up, secure us in His love and breath life into our souls.  He will protect us and nurture us until our faith is strong enough to break out of the circumstances we find ourselves in, stretch our wings, and fly.

Yes…. I’m sticking with my weak metaphor because even though I know how weak I feel…. My God is strong! And in the shadow of His wings I will sing for joy.

 

SCRIPTURE TO ENCOURAGE YOU:

Lamentations 3:22-26

Psalms 40:1-2

I Thessalonians 5:16-18

Psalms 73:28

Psalms 74:12

Isaiah 60:1 & 3

Romans 8:38

Psalms 27:1-2

Psalms 57:1-2

2 Thessalonians 3:3

Genesis 50:20

Romans 8:28

Deuteronomy 31:6, 8

Psalms 42:5

Psalms 92:2

Psalms 33:18-22

John 14:27

Isaiah 26:3-4

Psalms 46:10-11

Jeremiah 29:13

Psalms 105:4

Psalms 107:28-29

Psalms 112:7

Psalms 115:11

Psalms 117:2

Luke 10:41

John 1:1, 4-5

Mark 4:37-41

I Peter 1:6-7

Micah 7:7

Psalms 103:1-5

Psalms 118:5-8

2 Timothy 1:7

I Peter 5:7

Psalms 37:5

Proverbs 21;21

Psalms 86:4-5 (TPT)

Ephesians 3:20

Romans 15:13

Hebrews 11:6

Philippians 4:6-7

 

 

 

 

 

 

What the world needs now

“Teacher, which is the most important commandment in the law of Moses?”

 Jesus replied, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’  This is the first and greatest commandment.  A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.” Matthew 22:36-40

It seems to me that this whole idea of love shouldn’t be new to me.  I grew up in church. My dad was a pastor. I gave my life to Christ when I was 9. My husband and I planted and pastored a church for 18 years. You would think, especially since love is what Christ himself said to be the most important commandment, that I’d have a good grasp on it by now.

Maybe I did and maybe I didn’t but  like most things I’ve learned about God, there’s always more to be known.  More to be had.  Deeper levels of understanding to discover.  If we would only continue to seek Him.

Regardless, God has been opening my eyes to this endlessly deep concept of love during the last year.  I’ve heard people describe the Bible as God’s story of love as expressed to humans, but I’ve never seen the beauty and depth of that love like I have this year.  Nor have I seen, until recently, the extreme love that God calls us to towards other believers and the world.

Sadly, I’ve also never seen so little of it.

We live in a broken world, which is no surprise to any of us.  Sin, evil, hatred, division and anger are everywhere. Unfortunately, when the world needs it most, the Church seems to have less influence than it has had in hundreds of years.  I’m convicted and convinced that a large part of the problem is that we’ve forgotten how to love.  The more that our culture has drifted away from traditional Christian values and adopted an antagonistic, sometimes hateful, attitude towards God’s people, the more we seem to have readied ourselves to fight back.  We often dig our heels in as if the truth of God is dependent on whether we can win the cultural argument or not.  We’ve become angry and  judgmental towards not only the world, but also other believers that might disagree with us on various political issues instead of learning to have respectful and honoring discussions. All with the goal of understanding people…and loving them.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t stand by our beliefs and express them when the opportunity presents itself, but I am saying that we can do this is a way that doesn’t demonize people.

The Church, as the world sees it, is more focused on disagreeing and fighting than we are on loving one another.  Our posts on Facebook are hateful toward the world and arrogantly dismissive towards the faith of other believers, all because we might disagree on refugees, border control, political figures, etc. I’m reminded of Jesus’ words in John 13:35. ^“By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”  I hate the thought of what God thinks when he sees his children fighting and slandering one another over these kinds of issues instead of working to be at peace and unified through the important parts of our faith.  Namely, salvation through faith in the death and resurrection of Christ. Until we can rediscover and live out the truths that we are all recipients of this gift of grace, that none of us are worthy of it in our own merit, that this gift binds us together as brothers and sisters in Christ and that He commands us to love one another because we are family – the world will disregard our message as nothing more than a powerless myth.

But, when we start to really love, I believe we will see the power of God move.   Not only loving one another but loving the world as well.  The more we are hated or persecuted, the more we should love.  Isn’t that the way of Christ?  Didn’t Jesus tell us in Matthew 5:44, “But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you”? I Corinthians 13 tells us that we are nothing without love and goes on to describe what that looks like.

Love is patient even when people try our patience; kind even when people aren’t kind; doesn’t envy even when people have something we don’t have; doesn’t boast when we prevail or when we consider our views superior to someone else’s; isn’t arrogant or rude because we understand that “But for the grace of God go I” and because we are humbled by God’s merciful love;  doesn’t insist on its own way even though we may be right; isn’t irritable because we remember how patient God has been with us; isn’t resentful because we “forgive as Christ has forgiven [us]” (Col. 3:13 & Eph. 4:32); doesn’t rejoice in wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth because our God is truth;  bears all things even when they seem unfair; believes all things by assuming the best of people; hopes all things when the world has lost hope and endures all things though we don’t deserve it.  Love never fails.

But we do.  We’re human and we fail one another.  We fail God. All the time.

But God never fails.  And he never ceases to call us to a higher standard of love.  A higher standard of obedience.  A higher standard of faith.  He believes in his children and in the power of love.  Why don’t we?  What could happen if we gave up our offenses and our rights and threw ourselves into loving extravagantly?  The way Jesus did.

It’s worth remembering how Jesus loved.  He loved while we were his enemies, so much so that he was willing to lay his life down for us.  He loved the very people his culture disregarded, detested and mistreated.  Even those that disagreed with him. He didn’t defend or fight back when people wrongly accused him.  He asked God to forgive the people who crucified him because they didn’t realize what they were doing.  (What a sobering thought to know He even forgives us when we know exactly what we’re doing.)  He loves us with a long-suffering love that doesn’t grow tired of us because of our failures.  He wants us to know, and experience, the breadth and length and height and depth of that love. Scripture actually says that He wants us to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge.  (Eph. 3:19)

Have you ever thought of that?  Something that is beyond understanding is so important that he will help us to understand it. AND, he wants us to express it in such a way that others can see and understand the fullness of who He is.

If you’re like me and have wondered, at times, what your purpose and calling is in life, I have a proposition for you.  A purpose and calling that is worthy of our entire life. To become like Jesus.  To become love. I JOhn 4:16-17 says “God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.  By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world.“ We are called to become the bodily expression of  love to the world just like Jesus was.  To a world that is in desperate need of it. That’s no small task but it will fill our lives with purpose if we’ll seek to understand all that it entails and pursue it with passion.

It seems to me that this is what Jesus called his people to and I pray that we will rise to that call.  I pray that we can learn to offer the world the one thing that it really needs.  Jesus. The embodiment of love.

 “This is real love—not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins.  Dear friends, since God loved us that much, we surely ought to love each other. No one has ever seen God. But if we love each other, God lives in us, and his love is brought to full expression in us.”        I John 4:10-12

“May the Lord lead your hearts into a full understanding and expression of the love of God and the patient endurance that comes from Christ.”   2 Thess. 3:5

“The God of Jacob”

As I was praying this morning I couldn’t help but think about this past year and wonder about what this next year held.  It’s hard to describe the feelings I have about this past year but the first sentence of “A Tale of Two Cities” seems to describe it well. “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair…”

And, yet,  God has proven to be good and faithful even when I wasn’t.

As I was praying, I thought that I needed some new worship music for this next chapter of life so I turned on my “Discover Weekly” playlist on Spotify.  The very first thing that played was this message.  It isn’t a song and I’ve never heard something like this on Spotify.  Podcasts? Sure.  But not on my worship playlist.

It may not be worship in the traditional sense, but it is most definitely worship because it lifts up who God is and it seemed to be an appropriate “song” to contemplate at this moment in time. Yes…God has been the God of miracles this year.  He has been our very life and breath…literally.  He has been our comfort, strength, encouragement, love, unity, joy, hope…He has been in all things and he has been good.

BUT, it humbles me  that he has been the God of my failures as well.  He never left me alone or lost and he never stopped loving and fighting for me with a faithfullness that still astounds me.  He has proven to be a very good God. The best and the only God! God over death. God over life. God above loneliness. God who remains, redeems and sustains through shame, sin, fear, sickness, insecurity and doubt.
What a good, good God!

Col. 1: 13-14 and John 1:14-16 summarize the Christmas story in a beautiful way and leave me overwhelmingly grateful that “The Word became flesh and dwelt among us!”  Wow! What a story and what a message we have to share! What a  love we have been given to  ponder everyday of our lives and to experience in more and more depth and variety each year that we live.  God is unsearchable yet calls us to search for him.  Greater still, he promises that we will find and know him when we search with all of our hearts. He and his love are endless and mind blowing. Partly, because he shows himself and pours his love on us even though we don’t deserve it. And we don’t.  But he loves us anyway!

I’m uncertain and a bit insecure about this but I’ll just step up and say it outloud…it seems that God is moving me towards  writing and speaking in a more serious or structured way.  I have no idea what that will turn into and how it will look but I feel fairly certain that this  message of God’s love for the broken and undeserving will be a part of it all. It’s what I long for people to know and what I know to be life changing! God is greater than our messes and He adores us!

I can’t relate to people who have it all together or who just throw lip service to the idea that they need the grace of Jesus.  Realizing how capable we are of making a mess out of life keeps us humble and kind. It also makes us more able to love and connect with those who are broken, depressed, feel insignificant, lost or lonely.  THAT, I can relate to. For those of you who find yourselves there right now,  I long for you to hear that God loves you, sees you, knows you and  is just waiting for you to stop, turn and acknowledge that he is God even in the storms of life.  Not only in the victories.  If you turn to Him completely, with humility and with faith that his power can hold you and redeem you, he will show up. He’s more than trustworthy.

Brokenness is a beautiful thing because it leaves us dependent on our heavenly Father and opens us up to know, experience and  love him in a way that will transform us  in a deep way. I can testify that this is so true that it leaves me in tears.

My prayer is that someone will be encouraged by that truth today.  That someone will draw near to our good, good God.  That someone will hand over all their broken pieces and just allow God to do whatever it is he longs to do.  He is the master potter that can re-form broken pieces into a vessel that’s stronger and more beautiful than before.  He is the God who holds and comforts the brokenhearted.  Who finds the lost.  Who heals the sick. Who breaths life into the dead.  Who gives hope to the hopeless. And the God who revels in showing off His grace and love to the world by showing up in the lives of hIs broken children.

I pray that we all will walk into Christmas amazed by a God who would enter into our mess by taking on flesh and bone to save us, and that we will enter into the New Year with trust and faith that He will fight for us and walk with us in whatever may come.

He is the God of Jacob.  The God of your struggle. The God of Karen.  The God of ________,  He. Is. God.

Thank you, Jesus.

My Life, My Mess, My God, My Rest

I was at Starbucks for 2 hours today trying to make progress on this book we’re writing.

That didn’t happen.

Instead, I spent an hour talking to a young man about college, how tired he was, trying to encourage him and another hour trying to get my computer to work.

Because I’d lost all focus, I went to workout but ran into another friend and spent much of that hour talking about God, neuroscientists and bathroom remodels.

So, I came home to paint my living room simply to feel like I accomplished something today. Instead….

I received an excited phone call from one daughter because she’d made a new friend at a coffee shop as they talked about relationships, God, church, faith, family and her photography business…

got a text from another daughter that she needed prayer because a good friend was FINALLY talking to her about God and asking what it means to really have a relationship with Jesus…

read another text from the third daughter that she was in an equally deep conversation with someone about God’s design and advice for marriage….

I turned down the music and prayed for all of them.

I thought about how sweet God is to listen to my heart as I started painting again, but when I turned the music back up, I was hit with something that stopped me in my tracks.

Within just a few notes of a song, God transported me back 9 years ago, reminded me of what I was thinking at the time, showed me a picture of everything that had played out since then and wrapped it all up with a realization of truth that left me stunned.

“Love Came Down” was playing and I haven’t heard it in forever. In fact, the last time I remember singing it was one of the last times I ever led worship and I remember singing it with everything in me out of complete desperation and with a desire for it to be true. It was like I was saying to Him, “Letting go of this role is so difficult, Father, but I choose to worship you even if I can’t sing, even if I can’t see what you’re doing and even if I’m hurting.”

I sang it again today.

                                    “If my heart is overwhelmed and I cannot hear Your voice
I’ll hold on to what is true though I cannot see
If the storms of life they come and the road ahead gets steep
I will lift these hands in faith
I will believe

I remind myself of all that You’ve done
And the life I have because of Your Son

Love came down and rescued me
Love came down and set me free
I am Yours I am forever Yours
Mountain high or valley low
I sing out and remind my soul
That I am Yours I am forever Yours”

Nine years ago I had to stop leading worship because I had nodules on my vocal chords.  That was difficult.

My mother-in-law had just died.

My husband was hurting.

Leading the church was a struggle.

We had lost friendships.

My kids were beginning to move out and I was lost, sad, and confused.

But, I wanted my heart to belong to God forever.  No matter what! It was a hard season but I was bound and determined to pursue Him, worship Him, love Him and serve Him until my last breath. I was going to live a life that pleased Him, and I meant it. I wanted it!

The problem is – I’m not God.

I’m human and broken and weak.  I had hurts in my heart that I’d covered up so well, I didn’t even know they existed. Not only that, but the next few years would pile on more hurt and pain.  Nothing like many people experience but enough to cause my brokenness to surface.  It became harder to hide and eventually, impossible.

My insecurities were magnified in the face of uncertainty and shifting seasons of life.  Steve and I struggled to communicate and to find a way to partner in life without our ministry and our kids at home. One daughter struggled to get past her demons and multiple heartbreaks so that she could find joy and confidence to build a life for herself. Another seemed to be rejecting everything we believed to be sacred and seemed to be drifting farther and father away.  Many of my friendships shifted and changed.  I was lonely, feeling useless but trying to muster the will to find and please God as best as I could.

In some areas I was doing great.  My prayer life had never been better. At least for others. I cared deeply about the pain in people’s lives and prayed fervently for friends, church members, my husband and my kids.

I prayed…a lot.  And worshipped…a lot.  And tried to do all the things I knew to be good and right and true…a lot.

But I failed to see the importance of praying for myself and really digging deep into what my heart was feeling. I forgot that I mattered to God and I failed to ask Him why I was so lonely, sad and unfulfilled. Instead, I thought I shouldn’t feel that way and pressed on, ignoring it but asking forgiveness each time I reacted with hurtful words, actions and attitudes as I tried to “fix” all the difficulties in my life on my own. My strength was failing me and I kept doing the very things I knew I shouldn’t do. I was driving my girls farther away, my husband farther into his shell and myself farther out to sea – in a tiny little boat – all alone.

I wasn’t trying to be inauthentic or hypocritical and I honestly don’t think I was.  I think I was blind to places in my heart that God wanted to heal and, in my blindness, I found my own private bondage of fear, selfishness and pride.  I could do it! I could fix it! I could have enough faith for all our problems to go away and I would love and serve and glorify God till my dying breath! That’s who I was.  A Christian. A pastor’s daughter and a pastor’s wife. I didn’t want to let anyone down and I didn’t want to lose any respect I may have gathered over the years.  After all, I was the youngest and the only girl so screwing up would just validate what I’d felt my whole life –  that I had nothing of value to contribute or to say.

In the mean time, I ran…a lot. I drank wine…a lot.  I isolated myself… a lot.

None of it to the point of being officially “unhealthy” but, in reality, it was all unhealthy because it was done in order to avoid and ignore. (Avoiding and ignoring what God is trying to do is never a good idea, by the way.)

You see, the fact is, I couldn’t do any of it.

I’m sitting here in my living room with paint cans on the floor waiting for me to finish what I started; but, all I can do is sit in awe at the faithfulness of God to finish everything He has started.

The truth is, I can’t please God on my own.  I can’t heal my kids’ heartaches.  I can’t argue them to faith.  I can’t force my husband to talk to me. I can’t even work hard enough to build an effective ministry or make others need me, respect me, listen to me or care about me. I can be faithful and do what He leads me to do. I can rest in the finished work of Christ to make me valuable and accepted.  I can and should work hard at loving Him and others but I can’t make things happen.  I’m not in control.  (Yep…that might be an issue with me.)

Even with the best of intentions, my best attempt at “fixing” life and “fixing” my brokenness leads to more brokenness.

I have to say, though, that my life was great. I was really pretty happy. I believe God worked through me in spite of myself and my faith was true and strong during those years.  But I was making life much harder than I think God intended. I was striving instead of resting.

Resting in God’s faithfulness is the “easy yoke”. Striving in my own abilities is what leaves me “weary and heavy laden”.  Navigating everything in my own strength had left me exhausted, lonely and surrounded by more fallout than I wanted to admit.  And, if I ever forget that God can do above and beyond what I can think or imagine and can miraculously heal my  broken heart when I face what a mess I am, He will lovingly remind me.

He did today when I suddenly was faced with all He had done around me.  With no help from me.  In fact, in spite of me. I realized that I’d given up “trying” months ago. He had orchestrated my total surrender (for the most part or as best as I know how right now) so that He could move. He left me with no other desire but to seek His face, trust Him and believe that He wouldn’t leave or abandon me even when I messed up.

Today He had me look up and see what that trust and dependence had allowed Him to do.

You may be asking what truth left me in tears in a matter of seconds.

Simply this…God can and God does.

The question of what he can do or does do may depend on our need.

God can and does move in the areas of our lives that are broken.  He can and does pursue hearts even when we try to do it alone.  He can and does save souls.

He can and does heal.

He can and does forgive.

He can and does pursue.

He can and does lead.

He can and does restore.

He can and does bless.

He can and does strengthen.

He can and does speak.

He does it all and always has.  My efforts amount to nothing.

My desire to serve and love Him till my last breath comes from Him.  The security of being His until my last breath, being held and kept, that’s done by Him as well.  Not by my determination.  Trying to prove myself or ignore my need simply exhausts me and keeps me from the very relationship that I’m meant to have with Him.

He is so, so good.  Overwhelmingly good. Life isn’t always easy but God is always good and faithful.

I don’t deserve it, but He has moved in my life in more ways than I can say. Even now, there are places in my heart that are broken and messed up but He is slowly showing me what they are and how to leave them in his healing hands.  My husband is a miracle walking and is getting stronger every day.  We are learning how to communicate at a deeper level and our relationship is stronger and more exciting than ever.  All of my daughters have found their own faith, healing, purpose and joy and continue to walk through the good and bad of life with more wisdom than I ever had at their ages. The way they glorify God sends me to my knees with thanksgiving.  That daughter that I thought I was losing…she’s the daughter telling a friend what it means to be loved by Jesus unconditionally and how wonderful He is. That daughter who stepped out and made a new friend is standing on her own two feet and building a life and a business as she finds courage to trust in God alone.

He does it all.

He pursues. He heals. He wipes away shame and breathes hope into the discouraged. He makes wrong things right and he turns sorrow into joy.

In all of my conversations today I realized something.  God cares and He sees.  He has always been at work and moving in my life and is in yours as well.  Even when we don’t see it. More incredible than that, He has saved us!

When life falls apart and we don’t see where He is, God is holding fast to us.  He won’t let go even when we feel like we’ve let go. And, he never will.

We are loved, we are held and we are His. He has done it all and He will do it all.

There is so much more freedom, joy and peace available to us as God’s children if we will simply remind ourselves of His goodness and power, submit to His control over our lives, seek Him  as best as we can, trust Him and rest in His love.

Stop striving.

After all, it’s all because of Jesus and because the Father loves you. Give Him everything you have been carrying today and know that He cares, He sees, He can and He does.

“Mountain high or valley low
I sing out and remind my soul
That I am Yours I am forever Yours”