I can’t sleep.
I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve become accustomed to little sleep over the last 4 weeks or if it’s something else.
I grab my headphones and turn on some worship music as I lie in the dark. Surely I’ll fade into rest soon enough.
But I don’t.
There hasn’t been a “meltdown” as of yet. I’ve been told to expect it but I’ve only had a few minutes of crying while driving alone here and there. It feels good- like a valve opening up to release hundreds of pent up feelings. For a woman who is intimately familiar with all kinds of emotions, it seems strange that I can’t even put a name to this. It’s just the overflow of so much.
So much fear. So much loneliness. So much exhaustion. So much uncertainty. So much waiting. So much helplessness….
But not only that. There’s something else that seems to overshadow all of it.
So much gratitude. So much hope that I won’t be the same. That none of us will forget what we’ve seen. So much expectation of what the Spirit can do, can speak, can teach, can show, can change…I’ve changed. So many of us have changed.
We’ve seen God walk into a “room”. We’ve seen Him move. It’s changed what I want. What I want to seek. What I want to see in this world. What I want to see in the lives of those around me. It’s made me fall on my knees-literally and figuratively.
At this very moment, it’s left me in tears. Tears that flow from a hundred different places but that seem to cleanse my soul. Not sobbing tears. Not uncontrollable “let’s confront what we just lived through” tears. Those may come, but these are tears of submission to my God and to whatever He needs to do in my heart. Tears of love. Tears of joy at the miracle I’ve seen. Tears of expectation and desire to see more of who He is. Tears of certainty that He has gone before me into an uncertain future. His timing is perfect. His plan is waiting and He will walk through it all with me. Heck, He will carry me if need be.
So I’m sharing this song. It’s followed me for weeks (as have so many others). Tonight, I’m returning to bed, playing it on repeat and falling asleep with the prayer that I’ll live the rest of my life wanting nothing more than to hear His voice, to obey it and to see Him do the things that only He can do.
To be a part of that…priceless.
Simply Me and Jeans 